Patsy Porco


In Humor on August 4, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Happy 2009, Willing Subscribers!
I was awakened by the phone at the crack of 11:30 a.m. this morning. It was my sister, Victoria, calling from Ohio to tell me that I had thrown out all of my mother’s Christmas presents. With my heart hammering in my chest, I sprang out of bed and went into full panic mode. Was there no escaping the chaos in Powell (a suburb of Columbus), Ohio?
It all started on Christmas Eve, around 9:30 p.m.  Frank, Luke and I were spending Christmas with my mother and brother, Rick, and their new dog, Spirit. We were placing the last gifts around the tree and Frank said his feet were cold. I suggested to my mother that she give Frank his gift (scarlet and gray Ohio State slippers in the shape of footballs) early. She searched around the tree and realized that the slippers were still upstairs, along with some other overlooked gifts. She went up to get them and on her way down the steps, her arms laden with presents, she missed the last few steps and went flying into the wall. We all saw it happen, but none of us could get to her in time to stop the fall. Frank was on the phone with his family and he said he watched the fall happen in slow motion. The next thing we knew, her head was gushing blood and she couldn’t move her left side.
So, Christmas Eve was spent taking an ambulance ride and sitting by my mother’s side in the ER. Her head was stitched up and the X-Rays showed that she had broken her left shoulder in three places, so she was admitted and we went home. We took her home the day after Christmas and after dinner, she opened her presents. She was in a lot of pain, but the pain killers kept it in check.
Everything seemed fine until the phone call this morning. I’ve been known to accidentally throw out Christmas presents, so it seemed reasonable to my mother, sister and brother that I had scooped up all of her gifts, put them into a bag and then carted them out to the curb. I had done so much work there in such a short amount of time that I was operating on autopilot. But still, I couldn’t imagine how I would have mistaken a bag filled with gifts for trash. After hanging up with my sister (who had flown in from New York, the day I left, to help out for a week, until another sister could take over), I called on St. Anthony to find those gifts. And he did! Of course, nobody bothered to call me back to tell me that everything had been located. Luckily, I called them back and was told that the presents were found next to a chair in the living room, right where they had been all along. Somebody had thrown pillows on top of the gifts and they were incognito. Talk about relief! After some deep breathing and a few shots of scotch*, I made a belated New Year’s Resolution: to block all calls from Ohio.
I know my newsletters are supposed to be heralds of great sales, but in this economy, I figure you can find a great sale with your eyes closed, so you don’t need me to point them out. I wish everyone a wonderful 2009 and remember, if your husband says his feet are cold … tell him to put on socks.
Happy New Year!!
* I really didn’t drink scotch at 11:30 a.m., but believe what you will.
If you wish to Unsubscribe, I don’t blame you.

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