Patsy Porco


In Humor on August 4, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Good Day, Willing Subscribers!
I don’t know what the weather is like where you live, but here in Norwalk, CT, it’s one of those absolutely gorgeous, perfect days. All thoughts of winter are swept away by the warm, mild breeze and burned away by the gloriously shining sun, framed by a pale blue sky. If Heaven has weather, it has to be like today’s. If it’s raining or snowing where you live, please disregard the previous description.
Where to begin? Let’s start with the obvious: poison ivy. I am going to share a secret with you (that I stole from someone else), even though I could probably make millions if I didn’t. I could bottle up my idea and sell it to the world, and then travel the world with no financial worries. But, because my Willing Subscribers are so loyal to me and never ask to unsubscribe (let’s pretend here that you actually could unsubscribe; you might label my emails as Spam or Junk Mail, but you will nevertheless receive them until the end of time), I will tell you how to banish poison ivy overnight. Simply mix a cup of water with several tablespoons of Clorox bleach. Using a clean cloth, dip the cloth in the solution and dab it on the affected areas. Let it dry before allowing your skin to touch any clothing, or it might leave bleach stains. By the next day, you will have little to no poison ivy. If you still have a little left, reapply the Clorox solution. Because I am extremely lazy, I took a shortcut and sprayed Clorox Disinfecting Bathroom Cleaner directly onto my skin. No doubt this is probably dangerous, but it worked…plus, my skin was disinfected and my soapscum disappeared.
Back when I lived in Ohio, you could find people testifying and witnessing on every corner. They, of course, were testifying about Jesus. I am going to testify and witness for Gmail. At the behest of two of my friends (let’s call them MJ and NAT), I joined Gmail (Google Mail). MJ urged me to join this email program because she, being in her twenties, can’t fathom how anyone could not have Gmail. NAT, being a little older, ordered me to use Gmail because it offers an “Unsend” feature; you can configure your Gmail to not send an email for up to 10 seconds. In that time, you can verify that you are sending your email to the intended recipient. I have had several incidents that I would prefer not to repeat, so this feature enticed me to join. NAT also pointed out that there’s another program that forces you to do math problems before it allows you to send out emails. You get to set the times and days when the math-problem rule is in effect. So, if you’ve been known to take a glass (or a bottle) of wine with you to your computer (and I’m not admitting to anything here), it’s handy to have the computer tell you when you’ve been cut off. I set the math problems’ difficulty level at 5, which is the hardest level, and let me tell you, those problems aren’t easy to mentally solve, within the allotted 60 seconds, no matter how clear-headed you might be. Someone suggested that I keep a calculator by my side, but I think that might defeat the purpose of the Gmail cop option. There are all kinds of programs you can select to enhance your Gmail experience. Click on Settings (at the top of your Gmail screen) and then on “Labs.” After you’ve made your safety-net selections, scroll to the bottom of the page and click on “Enable.” If this sounds too complicated, I have some math problems for you to do first.
Since this is supposed to be a newsletter, as pointed out by Willing Subscriber, KdiM, I have some news: if you have a front porch or deck that is littered with shoes, athletic equipment and ham sandwiches, you might be interested in the Step2 Outside Storage Bench that is available from Kohl’s. It’s $135 plus $43 shipping, but that still makes it $31 cheaper than it is at Walmart. You might want to shop around first before buying it, though. I’m going to assemble ours today. I’ll report back regarding my opinion of it once I’ve put it together and discerned if water leaks into it when it rains.
That’s all for now. Rudy (our Golden Retriever) and I just returned from a brisk meander through Cranbury Park, so we both need a nap. Enjoy the day, no matter what your personal weather may be.
If you wish to Unsubscribe, I feel your pain.

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