Patsy Porco

Urine and Mayan

In Humor on August 6, 2009 at 5:52 pm

Brazilians are being told to urinate in the shower once a day to save water. Their government claims that if every family member eliminates one flush a day, then thousands of gallons of water can be saved (over how long a period, I don’t know; I only half-listen to the radio when I’m driving because I need to concentrate on my texting).

Women are going to be the most alarmed by this suggestion for two reasons. One: women are usually the ones who clean the bathtubs; and Two: men already urinate in the shower.

What I want to know is: when are you supposed to use the bathtub as a toilet? Do you hold it in until you take a shower so that the already-running water will wash all traces away? Or, do you just use the tub anytime you feel the urge and wait until you, or an unsuspecting family member, turns on the water to bathe? Suppose you aren’t the type to check the floor of the tub when you step in and all of a sudden you slip on the urine and fall on your back? Now you’re lying in urine … with a broken spine. This is much worse than when men don’t put the seat down and you wind up sitting in the toilet instead of on it. I have a feeling that the people who came up with this idea were young men who don’t even realize that bathrooms need to be cleaned.

Is there anything worse than having to listen to someone describe his or her dream? Well, let’s see…

Last night I dreamed that my husband, Frank, was the head of WFAN-AM, a sports-talk radio station. The hosts at this station talk sports all the time … well, in between commercials, that is. Anyway, Frank allowed me to host a weekend show called, “Anything BUT Sports.” I must have been invisibly wired to the station, because I walked all over town with my microphone, and talked about whatever I felt like talking about. I also took callers. They always wanted to talk about sports, and I had to remind them that I would talk about “Anything BUT Sports.” I didn’t have any advertisers, so I had to talk for three hours straight. I started begging my board operator to play public service announcements, just so I’d have time to find a bathtub to urinate in. Pretty soon, the listeners and callers were fed up with me and my show’s format and they began spitting at me. Since I was walking the streets with a microphone and a sandwich board that said “Anything BUT Sports,” I was easy to spot. Every man in the tri-state area hated me and threatened to kill me, after he spit on me. I wonder what this means?

  1. I now have a new favorite read!!!! Thanks Patsy!!

  2. Vienna Fan (this name sounds like a stripper’s): I do not have penis envy. She-has-a-housekeeper/cook-envy, youth-envy, somebody’s- smarter-than-I-am-envy, but NOT penis envy. How did you get THAT out of my dream?

  3. “Paging Dr. Freud, Paging Dr. Freud.”

    “Paging Dr. Freud, PAGING DR. FREUD — STAT!!”

  4. I am fully subscribed, for life, till death do us part. Now I have a purpose in the morning, along with my coffee I can read your blog. Will there be a daily entry?
    You should write about Canadians and their hang ups.
    Luv ya!!!!

    • I am NOT writing about Canadians and their hang-ups. Didn’t I already cause enough trouble in two provinces?

  5. You are too much…

  6. Sounds like when you woke up, you had to pee!

    It reminds me of a comic I heard on T.V.; I don’t remember his name. He’s tall, dry humor, long curly black hair. His joke went something like this: “I my roomate is gross, he pee’s in the shower” long pause, audience nervous laughter; he continues; “I hate it, here I am, taking a shower, minding my own business, he comes in the bathroom, pulls back the curtain and pees.”

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