Patsy Porco

2010 and Counting

In Humor on January 2, 2010 at 4:34 pm
Happy 2010, Willing Subscribers!
Don’t you think that the New Year should begin in March, at the spring equinox? Spring is a more fitting season for fresh starts than winter is. I wonder how I can start a movement to change when the New Year starts? But first, I should probably look into how the calendar and the seasons work, so I don’t mess up the world; that might tick some people off. If the New Year is pushed ahead three months, will that make any difference in the scheme of things? The first year would be the only year affected, right? Let’s say we started this in 2011. So, 2010 would get an extra three months, but then things would sort themselves out after that. Something to think about. At least it would confuse the IRS.
My resolution this year is to get passports for my family. We missed two funerals for relatives in Canada last year because we weren’t allowed in their country. It upset us that we couldn’t go because we like our Canadian relatives a lot. If we didn’t, we could skip getting passports and keep using that excuse to not see them. Too bad you don’t need a passport to get into Kansas. We would be happy not to get passports if we could avoid those relatives.
Now that the holidays are over, it’s the blah season. Everyone looks and feels blah and the weather is blah and moods are blah. So if blah is an apt description of basically everything, why isn’t it an acceptable word in Scrabble? Speaking of Scrabble, I am addicted to the online Facebook version. I have games going with friends, acquaintances, cashiers at Walgreens, taxi drivers in New York, and one that I arranged between me and a fake email address using the name of Velda. In that game, I’m technically playing against myself, but you’d never know it. Velda is ruthless; she cuts me off at the knees in every game. I’m getting a little tired of playing with her.
I was laid off at the end of last year (2 days ago), so I’m going to have a lot of time on my hands. Naturally I’m going to be looking for work (in between Scrabble games), but looking for work now is so different from when I started out in the late 1970s. Today, most of the looking and applying is done online. Back in my youth, I took a year off between high school and college (very trendy in England; it’s called the “gap year”; in the U.S., it’s called the “get a job year”). I still lived with my parents, so every morning, my father would drag me out of bed and either deposit me at a bus stop at 5:30 a.m., or drive me almost into the center of Columbus, Ohio. He thought every experience should be a “character builder,” and “pounding the pavement,” as he called it, was meant to be taken literally. So, he would drop me at the fringe of downtown, usually right off the highway exit—at “Fourth and Nowhere,” as my brother (a later victim of my father’s character building exercises) named it. I don’t know why standing in the middle of exiting traffic was a character builder, but it was certainly an incentive to run fast. Cars in Columbus raced off the exits in those days. Thinking back, I have to wonder why they were in such a rush to get to work. Regardless, I’d be in downtown Columbus before offices and personnel offices (as they were called then) were open. So, McDonalds became my home away from home. It must have been a refuge for numerous pavement pounders, and loiterers, because they had a 20-minute limit on how long you could sit at a table to eat your meal. Fortunately there was a Wendy’s not far away, so after my 20 minutes, I would head over there. Eventually I would get myself over to an office building’s personnel department and take the typing, polygraph, and Breathalyzer tests, only to be told that they’d “be in touch.” Nowadays, you don’t have to leave your house to get rejected. In the old days, if you applied in person, you always received a response in the mail, even if it was a negative one. Today, it’s rare to even have your online application acknowledged. Maybe I’ll take to the pavement after all, and alarm Human Resource people by showing up in their departments unannounced. They probably don’t get that much. I do hope I find something soon, though. The Kansas relatives just found out that I have free time and they want to visit.
Happy 2010 everyone! By the way, are we calling it “Twenty-Ten” or “Two Thousand and Ten”? Any thoughts? Enjoy the new decade!
  1. Change the calendar?? Next thing you know, they’ll want to start teaching that cockamamie theory of evolution in our schools!

    By the way, in Kansas, we’ll be calling the year “Oh-Ten.” You northeast liberal elites can call it anything you like.

    • How are things in Wizard of Odd Country, Kousin Kansas? Oh-Ten would probably catch on pretty quickly out on the plains. As a matter of fact, it might catch on with the liberal elites, too. I think you should start an Oh-Ten movement. You can add it as a line item to my New Year’s bill. I’m not trying to change the calendar, just when the New Year starts. I just read that the ancient Roman calendar that started in March totally ignored 61 days in winter. I wonder what they did during the days that didn’t exist? And how did they refer to those non-days?

  2. I’d like to get a paid writing job somewhere…anywhere.

  3. Spring would be a better mood setter for the New Year. Of course, maybe we need something right after the holidays to concentrate on besides the long winter ahead. Then again, New Year doesn’t give us much except resolutions and those are over with in a couple of days…so that blows that theory. Hey…maybe you could get a job finding lots of ways to embarrass your son (I loved your last blog) and then write about it. Here’s one. Pick him up from school in the Oscar Meyer Weiner truck. I know someone who did that! Mortified their child. But also was a great motivator to (fill in the blank with good behavior of choice) so as to avoid repeat acts.

    • I wasn’t even trying to embarrass him at Walmart. I just have to breathe in public to do that. A friend told me that I should take that post down because my son will be mortified if anyone he knows sees it. So, I asked him if it bothered him and he said he thought it was funny. There have been other posts that he demanded I take down because he said they were embarrassing to him, so I did.

      What did your friend’s child do, to deserve being picked up in a weiner truck?! Your friend should write about that!

      Thanks for the comment! Happy New Year!

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