Patsy Porco

Good News is Not News

In Humor on July 16, 2010 at 1:47 am

The week before my husband had eye surgery, he was very worried about going under general anesthesia. Everyone assured him that he would be fine and I reminded him that you only hear about the people who didn’t survive general anesthesia. The majority of people have no complications whatsoever, but that isn’t newsworthy. I told a friend that I was thinking of starting a newspaper that only reported good news, like “I Didn’t Die from General Anesthesia!” or “I Flew on an Airplane and It Didn’t Crash!” or “I Went to a Phillies Game and Didn’t See Even One Baby Drinking out of a Beer Bottle!” She told me that nobody would read my paper, including her. I probably wouldn’t read it either.

Fortunately for me, the newspaper that I do read provides plenty of news that wouldn’t make the cut in more stodgy publications. Today, for instance, there was a highly illuminating article about a bra that you fill with wine. The bra’s two cups hold an entire bottle of wine and a tube is attached to one of the cups so that when you sip from the tube, the liquid is extracted from both cups evenly. The manufacturer obviously put a lot of thought into the mechanics of his invention (you just know that a guy invented this). Once the wine is gone, you can blow into the tube and re-inflate your bra in the same manner that flight attendants demonstrate when they’re showing how to inflate a personal flotation device. You might think that it would be smarter and cheaper to blow the bra up with air instead of wine, but the article explains that filling it up with wine makes more sense because you can then sneak the wine into a ballpark or onto an airplane since most security guards are going to think twice before patting down a woman’s chest.

Another article that appeared in the same paper today stated that it’s been proven that beer is good for your bones because it contains dietary silicon which could help prevent osteoporosis. Lighter-colored beer has more silicon than darker beer, according to the study, so if you’re concerned about your bone density, you should stick with the paler ales and lagers.

The publication of both of these articles on the same day in the same newspaper is a bit serendipitous, don’t you think? It doesn’t take much of a leap to consider filling your bra with beer when you’re going to sporting events and wine when you’re going to fancy restaurants. You could save a lot of money if you BYOB (Bring Your Own Bra). The only problem would be if someone saw you sipping from a tube that was attached to your body. However, if anyone is rude enough to question you, you could just say that the tube you’re drinking from is attached to a colostomy bag. That should end the interrogation.

Since I know someone is going to say I made these articles up, I’ve provided links:

  1. Patsy, thank you for starting my Friday with your clever wit!

    I’m rather intrigued by the Wine Rack concept. Perhaps a male version could be the “Beer Belly.” A fake belly that fills with beer (or other beverages) for consumption by the wearer. Do you think it would sell?

    Keep up the funny writing (and post more often!)!


  2. You won’t believe this, Melissa, but the website that sells the Wine Rack also sells the Beer Belly!

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