Patsy Porco

Air-Brained Scheme

In Humor on August 3, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Spirit Airlines has started charging customers for their carry-on luggage, and their carry-on fees are higher than their fees for checked luggage.

This new fee is in alignment with their goal to “liberate customers from being forced into paying for services they do not desire or use.” Since most people do desire to fly with their luggage, I guess Spirit can rationalize charging for it. But that doesn’t mean we have to like this new development. In fact, on Sunday, when the fee was instituted, surprised customers ranted and raved and carried on (pun intended) … but ultimately pulled out their credit cards.

If Spirit gets by with this, then it’s only a matter of time before other airlines follow suit. I was talking about this with my husband and he said that it would be cheaper to fly empty-handed and buy what you need once you reach your destination. Well, that would make total sense to a man, but to a woman who needs a suitcase just for shoes, not so much. Our only option is to book our flights with the one or two remaining airlines that charge no fees for any kind of luggage. Then we can run the other airlines out of business, or at least force them to drop their luggage fees.

I kind of like the idea of “running” them out of business. I wonder where that expression came from (yes, I could Google the expression but then I would know the answer and wouldn’t have anything to write about). Maybe in the olden days, people chased store owners down the road with pitchforks in order to get them to close up shop or leave town. As long as no one gets hurt, I think chasing company CEOs down the street with pitchforks sounds like a good idea. We could use rubber pitchforks to ensure that the chase didn’t turn ugly … or maybe not.  Since ours is no longer an agrarian society, most of us don’t have a supply of pitchforks at our disposal, so perhaps we should consider other options. Tarring and feathering can’t be considered because who, in this economy, can spare any tar or feathers? Guns are probably more accessible today than pitchforks are, but using them would be too dangerous (not to mention extremely un-PC), unless we used water pistols. Using water guns could turn into a lot of fun, but fun isn’t our goal. If we really want to capture the essence of our times, we could use laptops or cell phones. But how would that work? Would we send the CEOs angry emails or text messages during our pursuit? We’d never even get to the pursuit part, because how could we terrify CEOs enough, via email or text, to get them to run screaming from their buildings?  No, pitchforks it is … rubber or otherwise.

Now for the organization part. Everyone find a pitchfork and meet me in front of Spirit Airlines’ headquarters (2800 Executive Way, Miramar, Florida) this Saturday. Make sure to pack your pitchfork in a suitcase that you intend to check at your airline, for security reasons … and remember to use an airline that doesn’t charge for luggage. See you soon!

P.S. If you do happen to have extra tar and feathers, please feel free to bring them with you. I’m running low.

  1. I know everyone’s going to disagree, but I think it’s a GREAT idea to charge for carry-on luggage. It would make people more inclined to check those huge damn bags that really SHOULD be checked in the first place. Those bags that are too heavy to put in the overhead bins without assistance. Those bags that you’re always threatening to drop on my freaking head when you’re struggling with them. Those bags. Check them. Now.

    • Me again. Of course, I also think that people who want to drive in New York should have to pay a special toll for the privilege, in order to deter so many people from bringing their cars here. So keep that in mind.

  2. I actually have a pitchfork.

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