Patsy Porco

Dumb Criminals

In Humor on September 29, 2010 at 3:32 pm

We’ve all heard stories about dumb criminals, or would-be criminals. For instance, how about the burglar who stopped to make a sandwich in the house he was attempting to loot? Unfortunately for him, an alert neighbor saw lights on in a supposedly empty house and called the police. Or what about the bank robber who was told by the teller that she couldn’t read the note that was passed to her? When the robber went over to a desk to re-write the note, the teller pressed a silent alarm and police arrived to arrest the wanna-be thief.  In my own town, a bank robber ran off with the money but left his prescription bottle on the counter. He needed money to pay the biggest thieves of all—drug companies.

When I was in high school, a classmate went into a drugstore, filled out an application for a job there, and then stole a box of condoms. He was caught and no ID was required from him since he had just written all of his contact information on the job application. What surprised his classmates wasn’t that he shoplifted, but that he was under the delusion that he’d ever have a need for protection.

They used to say that “babies don’t come with manuals” until they did. Hospitals got wise and started giving classes and how-to booklets to brand-new incompetent parents before they let them leave with their babies. Perhaps community colleges could start holding classes on how to rob, carjack, or commit arson without being caught. Of course, they would videotape the classes and, unbeknownst to the students, obtain fingerprints and DNA samples during the lessons.

Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” was charged with being “criminally annoying” after she got drunk on a New Jersey beach and became disorderly. Dumb criminals should be charged with being “criminally stupid” and sentenced to repeat first grade.


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