Patsy Porco

Archive for July, 2016|Monthly archive page

Welcome to My Mansion

In Humor, Religion on July 30, 2016 at 12:09 am

Before I go and insult an entire religion and the opposite of an entire religion, let me first say that some of the finest people I know are, or probably are, Jews and Atheists. I said “probably,” because I have met many people over my lifetime, so by the law of averages, some would have to be Jewish and some would have to be Atheists. The others would have to be other religions. I don’t generally meet someone and ask his or her religion (at least not since I moved from the Midwest), so if you’re not my friend or a member of my church, I probably don’t know what faith you are or aren’t. However, it is likely that I know your ethnic background; that’s what interests people in the Northeast U.S.

But, I’m getting off-course here. What I am trying to say is that there are good people of all religions and non-religions. I do have friends and relatives who are Jewish. I also have friends and relatives who are Atheists. However, they’re probably really Agnostics, because if God were to suddenly appear in the passenger seats of their cars, they’d probably yell, “Oh my God,” and mean it, and then crash into a tree.

Before I crash into a tree with this blog post, I will get back on track. It’s just that I needed to use a lot of words to reassure everyone that I have nothing against Jews and Atheists. Well, except for one thing.

That one thing is: They’re complacent about their belief that this is it. They have no problem believing that their existence in this world is the beginning, the middle, and the end of them. As my close friend, Boz, who’s Jewish, said, “I’m fine with believing there’s no afterlife. It’s less complicated this way.”*

Well, I have a problem with this kind of thinking. What about payback? I want people who’ve done me wrong to pay. As I’ve aged and gained wisdom from Facebook memes, Nike ads, and church–where we’re reminded to love everyone, forgive everyone, and turn the other cheek (which cheek wasn’t specified), I’ve gotten better at not holding a grudge.

This is mainly because my memory is horrible and I can’t remember if I was offended or by whom. But if I do remember, I try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. And then, if I still think that the person was wrong, crass, insulting, offensive, or jerk-like, I think, “He’ll get his” or “She’ll get hers.” I need to believe that someone up there is keeping track of every infraction against me. I try not to think about the list with my name at the top, however.

I also need to believe that my good deeds are being recorded, as well. My hope is that they’ll outnumber my negative actions and that I’ll have a surplus to spend in Heaven. Jesus said that there were many mansions in Heaven.** I want to have enough celestial credit to buy a fabulous oceanfront mansion, on the right side of the Pearly Gate … but not too close to the entrance. I imagine it gets noisy over there.

Because I know that there is an afterlife, I also know that I’ll see everyone again, even if it’s going to come as a surprise to my Jewish and Atheist friends. They probably thought they’d seen the last of me.



*I have a Jewish friend who said that her rabbi teaches that there is an afterlife. So, some Jewish people do believe that there’s more to come.

**Some experts interpret the word for “mansions” as “rooms.” I prefer the “mansions” translation. I do not want to spend my credit on a room.



I’m So Hot, I’m Cool.

In Humor on July 23, 2016 at 11:31 pm

Ironically 2

Free (and worth it!) Advice to Self-Published Authors

In Books, libraries, Self-Published Books on July 12, 2016 at 6:38 pm

Being the genius Being fairly adequate at marketing self-promotion, it occurred to me that if I had self-published a book, I would offer it to my local library, and to every library that responded to my inquiry emails, for free. Most self-published-authors (known as SPAs in my head) all-too-soon discover that, once their relatives and friends buy their books, their selling days are over. In fact, they will probably never sell another copy ever again. That’s what marketing departments are for, and most SPAs don’t have one.

If SPAs gave their books to as many libraries as possible, however, they might at least find readers, albeit cheap ones. Once an SPA has acknowledged that he or she isn’t going to get rich from a book, he or she will settle for readers, of any ilk.

I was on my local library’s website last night, perusing their digital library. The inventory was sparse and consisted mostly of books with lurid covers, i.e., bodice-rippers*. (A lot of SPAs write bodice-rippers. I know this from experience. At one time in my life, I had a website dedicated to self-published books [yes, I called them SPBs; amazingly, the word didn’t catch on] and the majority of the books submitted to me were bodice-rippers, followed by self-help books written mostly by people with no credentials.)

But, last night, I wasn’t in the mood for a bodice-ripper, so my choices were severely limited. But why, I wondered, was my library’s inventory so heavily weighted toward this type of romance novel? And then it hit me. I’ll bet the authors gave the library their self-published books. But then the question was: Why would a library download an unsolicited, and probably unreviewed, book and upload it to its website for borrowing? The answer was obvious: Because, as soon as everyone and his/her brother/sister/friend got a Kindle or the Kindle app, libraries needed to build digital libraries, and do it fast. Library bosses probably came in one morning and told their librarians, “I want a big digital library and I want it yesterday.” (Library bosses are so behind when it comes to the latest expressions.) So, in order to keep their jobs, the librarians probably downloaded every book link that was emailed to them. The next day, they had hundreds of e-books (out of millions of available ones, probably) ready for their patrons to borrow. And, they were mostly bodice-rippers. Because that’s what the librarians had immediate access to.

So, SPAs, get a move on. Send your book to your local library today. And to every library on the planet. Some librarian somewhere is bound to have a boss who is saying right now, “Our digital library is languishing! Get more books uploaded, and do it yesterday.” And whose book will be sitting on the library’s computer, just waiting to be uploaded? Yours. You’re welcome.


* books similar to those published by Harlequin



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