Patsy Porco

Posts Tagged ‘Cosmetic Surgery’

Grow a Backbone

In Humor on June 18, 2017 at 2:25 am

With all of the innovations in the plastic surgery arena, you’d think someone would have invented a spine extender.

I know spine surgery is tricky, but if surgeons can cut into your brain with no ill effects, why can’t plastic surgeons add a piece of PVC pipe to your spine for added height, or even higher up for a swanlike neck? Nowadays, every part of the human body can be enlarged, lifted, smoothed, or improved upon, so what’s holding up advances in the height department?

Because cosmetic surgery doesn’t qualify for reimbursement under my health insurance, I’ve had to forgo lifts of my face, neck, knees, and glutes, but this operation might possibly be considered necessary for one’s health.

I recently read that a 5’9″ male is considered to be overweight at 202 pounds, but obese at 203 pounds. One pound changes his status from needing to lose a little weight to needing gastric bypass surgery. If that same man’s height were increased by one or two inches, he wouldn’t be close to being obese. He might not even be all that much overweight.

A rule of thumb for weight is that a man gets to weigh six pounds for each inch he is over five feet, plus 100 pounds. A woman gets five pounds for each inch over five feet, plus 100 pounds.

Up until middle age, I was 5’7-1/2″ inches tall. That meant that my ideal weight was 137.5 pounds, which was right on the nose. I weighed 138 pounds for years and looked fine to me. I could even get up to 144 pounds before I began to worry or take action. Then middle age hit me on the head, squishing me down to 5’6″ almost overnight. My new height changed my ideal weight to 130 pounds. I went from fairly slim and tall to chunky and medium height. I know for a fact that gravity hit me with a hammer from above, because my rib cage collapsed onto itself and the weight that had been evenly distributed there came crashing down and settled around my middle, like a little kid’s swim bubble. swim ring

After months of denying the existence of my new spare tire, I eventually had to face the truth the day I was confronted with a three-way mirror in a store’s dressing room. After several stunned moments of staring at my reflection, I reached up to get a dress that I had hung on a high hook. That’s when I discovered that when I stretched, the weight disappeared. It was gone, just like that. But, the catch was that if I wanted the extra weight to disappear permanently, I’d have to walk around with my arms extended to the heavens for the rest of my life, or lose the weight and exercise.

Then one day I got an email from a company that offered to extend a body part that I wasn’t born with. That was my Eureka moment. If they could extend that, why couldn’t they extend my spine, and my neck, while they were at it?

Unfortunately, I’m a big-picture person and don’t bother with details anymore. (I gave that up in my forties.) So, if anyone wants to take this idea and run with it, knock yourself out. All I ask is that I get free spine and neck extensions once the process is perfected. Or, that you figure out how to get the procedures approved under my health insurance.

 

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You Can Now Afford New Underwear … or a Divorce

In Humor on February 21, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Over the years, my husband and I have remarked that it was a good thing that we got along, because we couldn’t afford a divorce. I recently heard the same sentiment expressed on the sitcom, “The Middle.”

It’s no surprise to hear that the state of your finances determines your lifestyle. If you have no discretionary income, then you probably shouldn’t buy a Porsche, even if you can find a bank that will let you. For many people, discretionary income has become increasingly rare.  But that might be changing. Just as a robin’s appearance heralds spring, there are indicators of an improving economy, and those signs are slowly emerging (like that fraudulent groundhog emerged a few weeks ago, but these signs are more believable than Phil’s prediction of an early spring).

According to an article on Yahoo! (http://finance.yahoo.com/banking-budgeting/article/112150/signs-economy-is-on-the-upswing), people are beginning to spend money on nonessentials, which means that more people have jobs, or at least have higher hopes of getting a job than they did in the recent past. So, what are they spending their money on? Top items include men’s underwear, dessert, designer coffee, taxis, golf, gambling, cosmetic surgery, and divorces.

The good news here is that men are buying underwear again. I shudder to think of what they were wearing, or not wearing, during the really tough times. I remember Jerry Seinfeld once said that men wear their underwear until it disintegrates. So, if men are suddenly realizing that it’s time to stock up on underwear, it’s safe to say that the bad economy dissolved their briefs. And we were worried about the effects of global warming.

The other things that money is being spent on are self-indulgences, some more indulgent than others. I’m not exempt here. I will occasionally treat myself to an expensive coffee to perk up my spirits or take a cab while in Manhattan. But I will now definitely think twice before laying out the money. After all, during cash-strapped days, I managed quite well with Folger’s homemade coffee in a travel mug, and the subway got me to where I needed to go. But treating yourself is a huge spirit booster, and if you can now afford to go to a restaurant and have dessert, or play a few rounds of golf, then why not? You’ll feel happier, and if you walk from hole to hole on the course, you’ll even get some healthful exercise.

You have to wonder, though, if anyone who had to delay his or her trip to the casino or plastic surgeon realized that the trip could be delayed indefinitely. And perhaps a marriage or two will survive because spouses had to learn how to coexist peacefully whether they wanted to or not.

There are lessons to be learned from hard times, like the difference between what we truly need and what we merely want. And what we truly need and want is for men to buy and wear underwear … during the good times and the bad.

 

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