Dirty Crooks

In Humor on April 3, 2015 at 12:24 am

I’m not sure when it started, but I’d say within the last 10 or 15 years. Before then, everyone coughed and sneezed into handkerchiefs or tissues. My father had cloth handkerchiefs. My mother, who did the laundry, hated those things.

My generation preferred tissues. Once in awhile, if a sneeze or cough came on quickly, you’d use your hands. And, if anyone saw you sneeze or cough into your hands, you would loudly announce that you would be back after you washed them. If nobody saw you, however, you were off the hand-washing hook.

Now, it’s all about the elbows. Everywhere you go, everywhere you look, people are sneezing and gagging into the crooks of their elbows. And then they pull out sanitizer and clean their hands. How about cleaning those elbow crooks?

Think about it. How often do you wash your coat, jacket, sweater, or hoodie? Not every day, I’m sure. So, every time someone grabs your elbow, they’re getting a palm full of germs. If you make a habit of using your elbow to sneeze into, those germs have mated with previous germs and there’s a colony living in your elbow crease. And how do we combat this problem? We buy more Purell for our hands.

We must have the cleanest hands of any generation ever. That’s why I don’t understand why some people refuse to shake hands. You aren’t going to catch anything from someone’s hands, especially since you’ll sanitize your hands immediately after shaking. But, you won’t think twice about grabbing someone’s elbow, or hugging someone.

Until now, you’ve probably never worried about catching the plague from elbow grabbing, but now that I’ve alerted you to this scourge, I will offer a solution. I propose that we go back to carrying tissues, but the sanitizing kind. We should have one readily available at all times. Then, the next time a sneeze comes on, we’ll be ready. Immediately after sneezing into our elbow crooks, we can whip out a sanitized hand-wipe and decimate those germs. Not only will you have clean elbow joints, but you can say you wiped out a crook.

Tuesday Now Beats Monday for the Worst Day of the Week

In Aging, Humor on March 31, 2015 at 10:25 pm

I piled my purchases onto the counter at Walgreens. The female Indian cashier looked at me and sweetly said, in halting English, “I am embarrassed to ask you this, but are you 55?”

My stomach sunk to the floor. Because she was so nice, I moderated my tone when I answered, “Why? Do I look 55?”

“I am asking,” she answered, “because Tuesday is Senior Citizen Day and everyone 55 and over gets 10% off their purchases.” Without answering my question directly, she did answer it, which made my stomach sink even lower.

“No, I’m not 55!” I responded. She looked vaguely embarrassed, but not by much. She obviously thought that I was lying.

“I’m not going to be 55 for another …” I stopped to calculate.  “… 22 days,” I announced.

She smiled knowingly. Looking back, I’m certain that she was thinking, “Another 22 days, give or take …”

“Thank you,” she said. “Then, your total is $31.29.”

“Here you go,” I said, handing her the money. “And thanks for ruining my evening.”

She smiled and said, “You’re welcome. And be well.”

Best Husband Ever

In Humor on March 28, 2015 at 1:38 pm

The following conversation really happened. Before writing about it, I stopped to put on some makeup.

Me: I’m going out to the store. Do I look okay to go out, without any makeup on?

Husband: You look fine.

Me: Really?

Husband: Yes. Just don’t look anyone in the face.

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