Patsy Porco

Archive for July, 2013|Monthly archive page

Don’t Try This at Home … Unless You’re on a Sitcom

In Humor on July 29, 2013 at 10:31 pm

I just watched a show where the main characters went to an elegant party. Two of them got blindingly drunk. One kissed the host and passed out on top of him. The other spent the evening knocking things out of people’s hands. The sober character felt insulted by something the host said, so she stole an expensive bowl in retribution.

The next day, they thought the whole evening was a riot. If they were living in real life, they would also be laughing … in prison or rehab. Civilized people don’t find drunks or thieves amusing, unless they’re actors in a ridiculous situation on a TV show. Life would be more entertaining if it imitated sitcoms, but it rarely does.

To prevent against your life imitating art (or sitcoms), you’d probably be better off watching violent movies than TV comedies. You’re less likely to find yourself being pursued by bloodthirsty foreign assassins than finding yourself at a party where opportunities abound to drink heavily, steal bowls, and pass out on your host.

It’s your call. Life’s a gamble. But it’s definitely not a sitcom. Just ask my probation officer.


A Survey, Poll, or Whatever You Want to Call It

In Humor on July 27, 2013 at 6:10 pm

Our family has several major life-decisions weighing heavily on our minds. Instead of making Pro/Con lists, or figuring out solutions, I’ve been spending a lot of time wondering about the meaning of the sayings, “He can’t see the forest for the trees,” and “She can’t see the trees for the forest.”

Does the first mean that the man can’t see the big picture because he’s all wrapped up in the details?

Does the second mean that the woman can’t see the details because she’s consumed by the big picture?

I’ve written before about my not knowing things that other people know. I blamed it on my learning curve, which is either high or low, depending on what those terms mean:

Of one thing I’m sure: the chicken came before the egg. God created animals in animal form. However, maybe God never created a chicken. Perhaps two different species of birds mated, the female laid an egg, and out popped the first chicken. In that case, the egg would have come first.

My brain hurts.

The Next Best Thing

In Humor on July 24, 2013 at 12:31 am

When I was a kid, and eavesdropping on adult conversations, whenever a new invention or product–anything from felt-tip pens to birth control pills–was discussed, an adult never failed to pipe up, “It’s the next best thing to sliced bread.” Then my father or some other man–never a woman–would say, “Build a better mousetrap and the world will come aknocking.” I’m not sure that the word that was used was actually “aknocking,” but that’s how I remember it.

I was thinking about that today as I cleaned my entire bathroom with disinfecting wipes. They are a brilliant invention and make a mockery of other cleaning products. A mockery, I say. I still squirt toilet cleaner into my toilet because I don’t want to stick my hand in there with a wipe, but other than toilet cleaner, I don’t need anything else besides wipes. They’re the next best thing to sliced bread, I suppose.

I’m not really sure about the accuracy of my comparison, however, because by the time I was born, sliced bread was readily available and not much on the minds of people who bought their bread at the Acme. It was always called “the” Acme by everyone I knew except for my grandfather, Popeye, who called it “the Ac-a-me.”

I can appreciate the invention of sliced bread, though. Before then, it must have been a hassle to have to cut up every loaf of bread you ever bought.  It was probably also a messy job, what with crumbs flying everywhere.

The crumbs would explain the worldwide desire for a better mousetrap. Now I understand the rush to invent the best one, and why all of humanity was lined up and ready to come aknocking.

Quick Thought

In Humor on July 4, 2013 at 12:01 pm

I just started a job at a business-to-business marketing company. Naturally I immediately thought of Hamlet.

If he worked there, do you think his quote would have been: “To Be or Not to B-to-B”?

The Little Mermaid



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